Talk:Smells Like Teen Spirit/@comment-25624149-20141011194930
I really do hate my mother. That is if I can call her mother. I should just call her the woman who gave birth to me and is stuck with me. I realized that all these years while growing up with her, I was so afraid of her and walking on eggshells around her just to make sure that she's in a good mood so no fights or arguements would happened. Not only that, but there were times where she responded by hitting me, pulling my hair, slapping me, using objects to hit me, call me names like bitch or stupid and she no problem doing that in front of her family. Hell, I remember that she used a kitchen wooden spoon to hit me on my leg and left a bruise when I was 15. I remember where she wanted to kick me out of the house cause I didn't want to go to church classes when I was 13 or 14. I remembered being so embarassed getting hit in front of them and crying that I just wanted to disappered. Then, she would buy me things and would say "You see how much I love you." after the arguements happened and would pretend like they never happened. I also remember by trying to gain her apporval and it was never enough for her for whatever I did. For example, when I got Bs, she wanted an A plus cause Bs were considered bad. She was trying to turn me into the perfect daughter as soon as I started school since I was diagnosised with a small form of autism at age three. That's bad for her because she's a perfectionist. I realized that the reason why I wanted to get good grades and stress myself out was not because I was trying to be perfect. I did it just so I can make her proud of me. I also remember her telling me that my dreams of what I wanted to be were never gonna come true and that I should just stick to being a doctor cause doctors make good money. I also know that she favors my sisters over me. When they do something wrong, they barley get in trouble. Even if I didn't do anything wrong, I always get blamed for something. On Wednesday night, when I was going to the school to pick Janet up, she decided to walk home and the woman started yelling at me and accused me of leaving Janet behind at the school. She also tells me of what to do with my future and that is getting married and having children. I told her that I don't want children and that I wasn't sure that if I wanted to get married and she said that I was selfish. She said that if she didn't marry my dad and didn't want kids, I wouldn't be here which honestly isn't a bad idea. That way, she wouldn't be stuck with me and I wouldn't have so many problems. Since I'm no longer religious, she's been trying to get me to go back to church and when I refuse, she starts to yell at me and say how god is angry at me. She tells me that my soul is "dirty" and that being an atheist is a bad. I keep on telling her that I wasn't an atheist, I'm just no longer religious and even if I was, she should still respect that I'm following my own beliefs just like I'm respecting her following her own beliefs. Today, we got into another arguement just because she wanted things to go her way. I refused and she started yelling at me in my face and act like she was gonna hit me. After the arguement was over, I thought about killing myself again so I could just get away from her. But then, I stopped myself because I knew it would just make things worse. I decided to let it all out. All the anger that I been holding from years before, I let it all out. The secrets that I really thought about her, I let it all out. That woman is nothing more than a manipulative, greedy, selfish, horrible bitch who doesn't even desevred to be called a mother. I hate her. I'm not saying it because I'm angry. I'm saying it because it's true. The way how she's been treating from all these years to now is not love. It's not love. It's just being treated like trash. I'm not sorry to say this and maybe I'm cold hearted but I'm just tired of being treated like shit by her. While I was my aunt and cousin's house over the summer and when it was time to go back home, I didn't want to go back not only because of school but also because of her. I actually saw my aunt as a mother figure since we got along so well and she treated me like a daughter. Am I really selfish for saying these things? I'm just so tired. (Sorry it got to long.)